It's Snowing!

I haven't posted a family update in a little while, but today when the snow started falling and the kids were twirling in the front yard, it seemed like a good time. Beginning with the oldest, here is the news on my kids.

Sweet Pea: She is loving Seattle and enjoying the challenges of her second year of medical school at UW. She bought a bright green raincoat that must be a cheerful sight. Sweet Pea calls me nearly every day, if only for a few minutes, while she waits for the bus, and often has an interesting story to relate about life as a med student.

Mimi: She has found her niche in PR and Advertising, and was selected to be on a competitive advertising team, which is very exciting. We reinitiated our Friday Lunches with Mom and Dad and took Mimi to lunch today. Russ and I had a great time with our lovely daughter and talked through lots of important things.

Noah: Noah is having a great semester in college and is sorting out his thoughts on graduate school and career plans. Last weekend he and Mimi drove to Seattle to visit Sweet Pea - my children are becoming adults. Tonight he took care of the six youngest, plus one friend, so Russ and I could attend a X-Country Awards Banquet for Samuel and Rusty.

Samuel: Samuel had a fantastic X-Country season. Having never run X-Country before, he ended up qualifying for the State tournament and leading his team both there and at Districts. In other activities, we are urging him to get his Eagle project done for Boy Scouts before winter really hits...but given that it is snowing, it may be too late and need to wait for spring.

Rusty (yes, this is his blog nickname): Rusty ran X-County but had several injuries, mostly related to the rapid growth he is experiencing. He got recruited to be in a community theater production that began rehearsals a few weeks ago,so that is going to keep him busy through the first weekend in December. He also entered the VFW speech contest and we are looking forward to hearing the results.

Ladybug: I am loving having more time with her this school year. She is enjoying singing in choir every Monday and going ice skating every Thursday. She is also becoming a competent cook

Honeybee: Is making great progress in school. After one year at home, she is beginning to read much more fluently and just began a fifth grade math book. She loves choir and her art class.

Dimples: She is having a fantastic school year and loves her teachers. She loves cooking after school. She has multiple appointments in Seattle coming up, three in the next four weeks, so that is going to be difficult, but profitable.

Boo (or maybe Sunshine, she keeps reminding me that she wants a new blog nickname): She is very excited about choir, art class, and reading Baby Island, which is a special activity that just the two of us are doing. She has lost one of her two front top teeth, but the second one is holding on giving her a rather snaggly appearance.

Eby: Has learned how to use the computer to play games on PBSKids and loves it. Yesterday he emptied the dishwasher on his own and today he made a peanut butter sandwich all by himself. He was so proud!

Little Man: Is having a very hard time learning not to do gymnastics on the furniture. Every time I turn around he is jumping from one thing to another or doing somersaults on the sofa. Other than that, he is almost pure joy.

Russ and I have enjoyed having over two weeks at home without trips to Seattle. It has been so nice taking a break from packing and unpacking. Tomorrow I head out for more appointments, including Eby's first appointment with our therapist. I haven't written much about how he is doing, but I hope to share as I learn more about helping younger children heal from trauma.

If you are not a family member and have persevered all the way to the end, thank you! I hope I didn't completely bore you.

Our life feels too hard some days, but there is also great encouragement. We keep this in my mind:

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Galatians 6:9

Thank you so much for reading my blog and sharing this journey with me.

~Lisa

My Learning Curve: Advice From a Friend

My friend, Lisa Henderson, wrote this in response to Heidi's Tuesday Topic question about effective discipline for children who have attachment challenges. Lisa has a number of adopted children and lots of wisdom. I hope you all enjoy what she has to share.

I think this area can be one of the most challenging aspects of adopting older children. After parenting four children, I thought I had a pretty good repertoire of ideas for discipline techniques until we brought home our 5th child when she was 33 months old. Here are a few "new" tools you might find helpful with a child from the hard places:

1) Have your child "practice" the correct way of doing something....If they throw a toy, make them pick it up and gently give it to you several times. I think this helps them remember the right way to respond the next time.

2) An adoption therapist taught us to have a child repeat annoying behaviors that I couldn't control until it was no longer fun to the child either. For example, my little one would spit or blow snot out of her nose when she was angry. So we learned to say, "Oh honey, you're wanting to spit a lot? Ok, here's a cup and I want you to spit 25 times...Let's count it" That way, if the child continues to spit, they are still "obeying", and if they stop, they're obeying, so it takes some of the control away from them.

3) Sometimes I would have to hold my daughter and restrain her arms to keep her from hitting me. We'd sit until she was quiet and willing to comply with the right behavior.

4)I really tried to convey my love to my child and to help her identify her feelings verbally. "I know you feel embarrassed, angry, afraid", but Mommy loves you and is here to help you know what to do...or here to keep you safe, etc...

5)I verbalized "I'm the Mommy and I'm in charge. God gave you a mommy to help keep you safe and I want to do a good job."

6)I like "reality" discipline. If you can't play with a toy appropriately, then you're not ready for that toy right now and it gets put away. If you can't play nicely with your sister, then she doesn't want to play with you until you can learn how to treat her...You can practice in your room, etc...

Hope that helps some! Hang in there! We've seen amazing changes in our girlie in the 4 years she's been home!

Lisa's advice is especially appropriate for little ones how aren't quite ready for techniques such as Five Minute Cards.

Lisa and I met for lunch last week and spent over three hours intensely talking. It was a rare treat for me and the time flew by. I wish I could do the same with so many of you.

~Lisa

Free Music!

I have a post in the works that I hope to complete today, but until it is done, here is a little bonus. You can download five free songs from JJ Heller's new Christmas album, Wake Up the World. We love this talented artist's music and hope you will enjoy it too. We learned of her when another blogger shared a link to a free download of one of her other albums last year. We liked it so much that we went on to purchase more of her music.

This offer is available through December 31, 2009.

It's almost time to get in the Christmas spirit!

~Lisa

Living and Learning

Sometimes we are handed a beautiful learning opportunity. Today, as we were just getting started on our schoolwork, I looked out the window and saw a hawk soaring over our pasture. We have been admiring the hawk for a few weeks, but today as he hovered over the ground, we gathered around the windows and observed him. We talked about how hawks hunt for rodents and other small animals, but I quickly reached the limits of my knowledge.

We went to the computer and found our way to National Geographic Kids which was filled with great information. We learned that our hawk was most likely a common red-tailed hawk. Then we found another site and read some more. The next time we looked out the window, there was a second hawk flying near the first one. The kids were very excited to see that and the little ones determined that one of them must be the daddy and the other the mommy.


I don't know about that, but I do know that the spelling lesson we missed this morning will never matter, while the memory of learning about hawks will probably come back to my children many times over their lives. I can easily get so focused on working through my To-Do list that I miss these special moments.

Tell us about a learning opportunity you have had with your children...or about one you missed and wish you could get back.


~Lisa

My Learning Curve: After School Routine

Instant Breakfast saves the day.

The transition from school to home is very important and sets the tone for the remainder of the day. This is how we do it:

1. Dimples comes home and I greet her with hugs, kisses, smiles. We sit together for a minute and then she heads upstairs to change her clothes.

2. Before doing one more thing, Dimples eats a snack. This is never optional and must be a snack of substance. She is especially happy when I let her cook up one of her unique creations. Lately I have been keeping cooked rice in the refrigerator that she uses to make her own version of Fried Rice. I've written before about Dimples' "Your Mouth is on Fire" Cuisine and Therapeutic Cooking . She continues to delight in creating food.

3. At Deborah's recommendation, Dimples then has one hour of downtime. My inclination is to jump into homework and get it done right away, but Dimples has worked hard all day, and she needs to rest. Playing on the computer or even watching a short movie are both okay. If the weather is good, she may go out and play, but most of all, she needs to relax and make the shift from school to home.

4. After playing, Dimples does her homework and then the kids work together to set the table while I cook. Sometimes she helps me in the kitchen; I especially love it when she makes the salad.

From there we move into dinner and our evening routine. Having an after school routine is just one more tool that lets Dimples know what to expect, resulting in a relaxed and happier girl. I really like happy.

~Lisa

Tuesday Topics: Tackling Laundry

This week we are taking a break from the "Big" issues and tackling the topic of laundry.

This is from Nancy (whose blog you must see - her photography is beautiful):

Laundry is my arch nemesis and a continual source of stress. How do you tame the laundry monster? I have 6 little ones, ages 15-2, one washer/dryer and have tried so many different methods from everyone doing their own laundry having their own day of the week (which was SO much more work for me that much of my other duties were neglected) to me doing it all a couple days of the week to me just doing a few loads a day. Nothing seems to work long term. Socks are just a nightmare and the littler boys just seem to have dirty clothing hiding in every nook and cranny. Eventually the great laundry monster rises from a mountain of soiled clothing the size of a small baseball stadium to rear its ugly head just to show me who's boss.

As with last week, I will hold your comments until next Tuesday (11-17-09) and post them all at once. It is much more fun that way! I look forward to reading your good advice. Let's encourage one another.

Lisa

Tuesday's Answers: Therapeutic Correction

I love seeing how you all answered this Tuesday Topic. Thank you so much for taking the time to send your thoughts my way.

Here is Heidi's question about discipline:

...I have tried time out, but the isolation only feeds her weaknesses. I have tried other forms of discipline and they only make her either rebel harder or victimize herself. I have tried ignoring it but she will persist with the antagonism (sometimes for half days or until sleep time!). Nothing seems to work consistently. And she is only 2!

I have copied excerpts of your great comments in order to avoid this post being excessively long. Click here to view the full comments. This is what you all had to say:

Robin emailed:

....I think we are still stumbling through it. We've made mistakes along the way, many I'm afraid, as we've walked what seems some days to be blindly through older children adoption, but find good old fashioned love and consistency is key...

I've been reading "Have a New Kid by Friday" by Dr. Leman...love it!!!! It puts the consequences of their behavior back on their shoulders and it has literally "freed" me from the arguing, coercing, yelling and the immense frustration I've felt for months. And it works! Gotta love that!

..It's not about me.....it's not about me....I have to keep telling myself "it's not about me." It's about them/their pain, their hurt, their feelings of loss/abandonment. I'm just the vessel that they are using to release the pain. Worn out emotionally, yes, but when you see the smile, the unconditional hugs of love, I know God has it figured out...I just need to relinquish it to Him to use me to heal these beautiful children he's blessed me with.

Paul and DeeDee said...

I use the time in approach with my toddler. I place her in a corner of the room where she is looking out and not actually in the corner. I stay in the room but do other things and "ignore" her until she calms down.

If she continues to throw a fit I tell her "no fits" and "you need to have self control" (I try to always use the same language and few words). I have an older toddler also so this is modeled for her many times a day and she gets that she is not allowed up until she gets self control.

The time in helps her to not feel isolated but she also is not allowed to get up or do anything until she has self control and I have called her over for her to apologize and give hugs.

Cat and Mark said...

..."Time Ins" are not a novel concept in the adoption world, but a very brief explanation is that instead of a "time out" typically used in many parenting circles, you don't send your children away from you - you draw them closer. This may mean just sitting near you, but we have found more extreme time ins to be the most effective.

Our son came home almost 4, but does not have memories pre-orphanage (actually, no real memories pre-us). We worked (continue to work) on getting him accustomed to being in a family and all that entails.

This means he often tries to push us away, prevent us from loving him. If this happens (usually a patter of small things) one of us will scope him up and basically force him to cuddle with us away from everyone else. It may sound very weird, but it works. Sometimes it takes an hour or more. He will fight, hit, kick and try and get away. He resists the affection. But eventually he'll relax. He'll allow it. Sometimes he gives it back. And now, he's started to open up, to talk about the root of the problem...

Michelle said...

I don't have a tried and true way of handling misbehavior, in fact .. I am learning a whole new way of parenting as I embark on attachment therapy with my four year old daughter. I am looking forward to reading these responses next week!

I will say one thing. The therapist is helping me to learn how to see past my daughter's behavior and address the underlying causes of her behavior (fear).

I think that is an important distinction to keep in mind as we parent these vulnerable children.

Mark and Sarah said...

... I was disciplined with time-outs and spanking. We do not spank our children, and we tried time outs, but they also seemed to exacerbate the problem, not make it better. I recently read a life-changing book. Well, two actually. Playful Parenting, and Positive Discipline for Preschoolers. I learned that children misbehave when they're feeling discouraged or feel like they don't belong. Disciplining a child in the traditional way, further discourages them. In order to change behavior, a child must be encouraged. There's the dilemma! How do you encourage a child while they're misbehaving and not confuse them or reinforce bad behavior!? The key lies in the parent maintaining a gentle, yet firm response letting them know that the behavior is not okay (but not showing any sign of anger or other emotion) and giving your child a comfortable place to cool off, in our house it's a play tent. Make it inviting, not punitive. Hug them and love on them extra when they're misbehaving. I've found that spending extra 1:1 time with my son (he also has a younger brother) is really encouraging for him. Playful Parentingfocuses on how important playing down on the floor with our children is to connecting with them and helping them be encouraged....

Staci said...

I do not have children from "hard places" yet but all children at some point push boundaries, push away love and reject all they know about good behavior. One book that has really helped me is called "The Power of Positive Parenting." I reviewed it on goodreads.com if anyone is on that. My email is staci dot hopkin24 at gmail dot com if anyone wants to see the review. It is a blessing because time outs do not work in our house either.

Audrey said...

...We've been using a technique that I learned from another mom. She called it 'time-in'. She wrote on her blog about holding the child in a chair until the child was able to calm down and regain control of herself. Jacob is much to strong for me to hold that way so we use a modified version where I hold him with my body. I lay on my side on a bed - not his bed - and hold him with my arms and leg. Yes, he fights me but I continue to hold until he is able to calm himself down.

I know that this sounds extreme and those who haven't had to deal with the behavior issues that we have may not understand this technique at all. My goal is to calmly and firmly establish that I am in control - using my body to restrain Jacob has been VERY effective for us.

We always use the traditional sit in the chair method of time-out first and Jacob knows that if he won't sit there as directed then we will end up on the bed.

With either method, the ticket out of time-out is eye contact because withholding eye contact is what Jacob uses to distance himself from us. Once he makes eye contact with me, then we go back and redo whatever it was that got us into time-out to begin with. After a successful redo, there are hugs and kisses and positive words for making a good choice...

Donna said...

...We have chosen to save the harsh discipline for matters of safety and lying.

We have instituted
1) time-in's were they have to stay close to us. This is very effective for our older son who is very social.

2) corner standing in the same room with us, till pouting i done and rational thinking is restored.

3) restitution is big, when things are broken or taken

4) probably the biggest thing we have done though is PRAISE!! They both thrive on praise, don't we all!! So now I am much more pro-active in finding and praising the good behaviors. Kids from 'hard places' generally know punishment, but have had little praise, they will look for affirmation in any way they can get it--even the negative. This has made the biggest and best behavior change in our kids. We praise so much at times that it feels facky, but they really respond to it and behavior is so much better!

Matt, Sara, Parker and Lleyton Ritzmann said...

...The most effective of which could be deemed a "time in". I don't know the best way to describe a time in, but here goes: In the event that he had acted up to the point of needing discipline, we would take him up to his room and sit on his bed with him and hold him (through plenty of kicking/screaming/hitting/scratching/pinching/you name it) until he settled down and understood what he had done wrong and why we were disciplining him. It proved to be an effective way of communicating to him that we weren't going away. He had dealt with more hardship and loss in his life than anyone should have to deal with, let alone prior to the age of 6, so this method communicated to him that we weren't leaving. Even though we were upset with him and don't condone his actions, we are going to be there for him no matter what and we are going to love him no matter what.

On a side note, we found that being in a routine each day and not varying from it, and communicating to him what the routine was and when everything was going to happen, helped diminish the regularity of outbursts...

I am very touched by the degree of honesty shown here. Nobody imagines that they will need to restrain their child while he hits, kicks, etc. This is not the kind of parenting most of us dreamed of, but there are times when it is the only way to keep everyone safe.

Michelle mentioned that she is learning to see past her daughter's behavior and recognize the root of it, which is fear. That has been so important for me. The hypervigilance, the demands for everything to be fair, the extreme reactions all come from a place of fear in my children's hearts. They are survivors and every crisis is a matter of "life and death" to them.

I've been mulling over Heidi's question and trying to translate all that I am learning into techniques for a two year old. So many things we do with Dimples, and our other children, seem to be more appropriate for a child who is four and up. However, these are some things that come to mind:

1. Keep a routine, even on weekends. As Matt mentioned, children who have experienced trauma do well with lots of routine. Their lives were chaos and their little brains became accustomed to being at high alert all the time. By providing them with structure, we can help them feel safer. Your weekend routine may be different from during the week, but it is important to tell you child what is going to happen: breakfast, play indoors, go for a walk, lunch, nap, etc.

2. Be intentional about transitions. Eby has a very hard time making transitions, so I prepare him by telling him when it is going to happen, how it is going to happen, and how he needs to behave when it does happen. Sometimes we practice the behavior I want him to have in advance.

3. Use Time- in. Many of you wrote about this technique. Let's be honest, when our kids are challenging, we want a break! The last thing we want is to have them sit close by. But in this, as in so many aspects of parenting, our children must come first. Sending a child away is not productive for our kids. I have my kids sit in the "ugly chair" next to the kitchen where they can be close to me. I tell them it is the "think it over" spot. With a two year old I would probably call it the "calming chair" or "quiet place". They need to sit until they are calm. If they refuse to stay on the chair, we move the laundry room. I detailed all of this in this earlier post. If they refuse the stay in the laundry room, all that remains is holding them, as so many people mentioned.

4. Hold them close and keep them safe. There were many comments about "holding" children until they calm down or gain self-control. I find this very stressful and have to work hard to remain calm. A dysregulated child being held by a dysregulated adult does not result in healing. If you do this, be sure to breathe slowly, pray for your child, and calm yourself by rocking them if possible. I also find it helps to have calming music on, if there is somebody who can turn it on for you. Listening to worship music and focusing my mind on it helps me relax.

If you cannot stay calm and are not sure you are in control of yourself, call your husband, call a friend, call your church. Tell them you need immediate help. If you have no option but to face this on your own, buckle your child safely in her car seat and go for a drive; unless you feel you can't drive safely. Put music on while you drive. Breathe. Keep yourself and all of your children safe.

I have a guest post coming soon with more ideas on this Tuesday Topic. Thank you one and all for reading, writing, and caring about one another.

This week's Tuesday Topic will be up tonight!

~Lisa

Helping Kids Work

Four year olds love to do chores, especially if the task involves a spray bottle of Windex, but another chore Eby likes is emptying the dishwasher. He is still "in training", but nearly ready to manage it "on his own" which means having a helper close by.

In 1994 when we bought our first home in Broomfield, Colorado, my new friends came to help me unpack. As I began to put dishes away in an upper cupboard, Michele said, "Are you sure you want to put them up there?"

She pointed to a lower cupboard, "If you put them down here the kids will be able to empty the dishwasher."

Lightbulb moment...I had never thought of that! Down into the lower cupboard went the plates, bowls, and plastic cups. Glasses and mugs remained in an upper cupboard due to space limitations. It worked great. The kids could empty the dishwasher with no help. The youngest ones stacked the glasses and mugs on the counter for me to put away, while the older ones got the footstool and put them in the upper cupboard. Another benefit was that the kids were able to set the table independently.

We moved to our current house in December of 1999 and I knew just where to put the dishes.

My friend, Signe, has limited cupboard space, so she stores many of her dishes in the large drawers in her kitchen. As a guest in her home, it is great to open a drawer and find it full of colorful Fiestaware. If I had time, I would zip over to her house and take a picture for you, but you'll just have to imagine it.

Dimples and Boo are eager for me to change the chore chart and officially turn much of the dishwasher responsibility over to Eby. With a little more practice, I think that will happen and he is going to be happy...at least for a little while.

Have a great start to your week. Mine is going to be wonderful because I finally got the bins of summer clothes neatly stored away. A ridiculous burden has been lifted off of me and I hope to never get this far behind again.

~Lisa

Embrace and Candle in the Corner

In honor of World AIDS Day, we have a wonderful new necklace available at From HIV to Home. Make a donation of $50 or more and we will send one to you. I love the concept of embracing those with HIV/AIDS and the necklace looks great - I love mine. All proceeds from this necklace go directly to our new Child Sponsorship Program, which you should also be sure to check out. We are starting small and currently have eleven HIV+ children in South Africa we are supporting.


Another place you must visit is Moms, Ministry, and More. Heidi is doing an amazing giveaway while highlighting the work of missionaries around the world. It is very creative and I have big hopes of winning the little Matrioshka ornaments and mittens from Russia. The event ends on Nov. 10th, so click your way to her site before it is too late.

This is the first weekend in a very long time that I have not gone to a faraway X-Country race, or traveled to Seattle. I have big plans...namely, finally packing away the summer clothes and their assorted bins that shame me every time I go upstairs. It is long overdue and must be done.

Have a great weekend and Embrace someone you love.

~Lisa

My Learning Curve: Tummy Aches and Breakfast

Dimples has a lot of trouble with her tummy hurting and sometimes it is difficult for her to eat. Mornings are particularly hard. I worry about her not eating enough before leaving for school. To make matters more complicated, hunger is a significant trauma trigger for her, so I find this a challenge.

My niece, who is a dancer, started drinking Instant Breakfast to get some extra protein before rehearsals. Dimples tried it and liked it - which was amazing since she won't drink milk.

She can't get a whole cup down, so lately I've been mixing only half, but it seems to be enough to get her through the morning. I also make it with whole milk to get as many calories in her as I can. It has 13 grams of protein when mixed in a cup of milk...and it tastes good too.

One more plus to Instant Breakfast is that I carry it with us when we travel and no matter where we are, she can eat something familiar.

I feel a little silly writing about this, but maybe one of you is struggling with the same problem and if we were chatting on the phone, I would say, "Hey, have you tried...." and I would probably offer to let you have a few packages to see if your little one would drink it. It just might work! I should note...I get absolutely nothing for recommending this.

I'm sure there are other even better alternatives, but I'm glad I can walk into Costco and buy a box. It is a relief to have something that works for us.

I should note that, together with her doctor, we have been trying to find the source of Dimples' stomach issues for a long time. We have tested many things and are finally going to see a GI specialist at Children's. I would love some answers.

If you haven't answered the Tuesday Topic yet, I would love hear from you! I haven't gotten many responses yet and I would prefer to hear what you all have to say rather than listen to myself. Let's encourage one another.

~Lisa