My Learning Curve: I'm On Your Side

Although I am writing a lot about Dimples and her progress toward healing, I don't want to give the impression that she is my "problem child" and the rest are perfect. I'm doing a lot of intense parenting with Honeybee and Eby, who also need a significant amount of special attention. The rest of the young crowd is quite normal, meaning that instruction and training are going on all the time.

One of the things we convey to Dimples and Honeybee is that we are on their side. They are not "bad" children that we are trying to make "good", they are just seriously behind on learning to interact in a healthy and positive way within a family.

As our therapist explained it, most children begin hitting when they are babies - batting at our faces with their sweet little hands. We take their hands and firmly say, "No hitting." This goes on in various forms throughout their baby and toddler years, and by the time they are four or so, they have learned that hitting is not acceptable. They may still hit, but not with the same frequency, and it generally takes some provocation.

The therapist (I think she needs a nickname) told Dimples that since her Ethiopian Mommy and Daddy died when she was very little, she didn't have anyone to teach her not to hit or how to play nicely with other children. It isn't her fault that she didn't learn these things. It also isn't her fault that she has been scared, which makes it hard for her relax and enjoy playing with other kids. Now she has a Mommy and Daddy who can teach her how to live in a family and get along with people.

We are on our children's side - we are on their team. Russ and I believe in the power of God to heal and the strength our children have to learn how to live in a family and in this world. They can do it, and we're going to be with them, cheering them on, every step of the way.

~Lisa

She's Still My Baby

I love portrait photography and in my former life, when I only had seven children, I loved reading books on photography and applying what I learned. My favorite books were on photographing children and one thing that made a deep impression on me was the importance of photographing children before they lose their front top baby teeth.

I did this with Ladybug and I am so happy I took those photos. I have a sweet frame that holds three 5X7's of her on the wall next to my desk.

Both Dimples and Boo have lost their bottom two teeth and Dimples lost a third one in May. A few weeks ago they both excitedly told me that their top front teeth were loose. Dimples had a professional photo shoot last Fall, so I had some sweet photos of her, but I told Boo that she simply was not allowed to wiggle her teeth until I got some special portraits. Her teeth were growing looser and looser while I tried to find time to get it done, but I finally managed to squeeze it in. Rusty was my capable assistant and we had a great time, although it was seriously hot and we forgot to bring water along.



I have a number of other cute shots, but my computer is having issues and running like molasses, so I've given up on uploading some of my favorites.



So,word to the wise, if you have a little one who is about to loose her front teeth, grab your camera. Children never look the same once those sweet baby teeth come out and you'll want to remember them this way. It will be bittersweet when Boo and Dimples' baby teeth come out, but I'll do my best to be a cheerful Tooth Fairy.

~Lisa

My Learning Curve: Five Minute "Consequence" Cards

I'm back from Seattle - it feels as if every other post starts with that phrase. We learned more good tips that I hope to share, but today I want to go back and finish writing about Five Minute Cards. I've already written about how effective Five Minute Happy Cards are for Dimples. The other very effective card is the Five Minute "Consequence" Card.

"Consequence" cards are earned when Dimples hurts somebody with her body or her words, is disrespectful or disobedient, or if she simply makes life difficult or miserable for her siblings. Generally these cards are cashed in after dinner and for each card Dimples must go to bed five minutes early. For a child who likes to be in the middle of everything and prefers to be in control, this is very effective. Since she doesn't want her siblings to know how early she needs to go to bed, I can often quietly call her over and tell her it is time to head up to bed. It doesn't always go smoothly, but we remind her that she will earn more cards if she has difficulties.

By putting Dimples to bed early, we acknowledge to the other children that the day was hard and they deserve our time and attention too. A demanding child can eat up most of my day leaving very little time for cuddling, reading, or playing with my other little ones. Difficult behavior also prevents conversations with my big kids, although they have a knack for squeezing those in late at night. The kids need a break from the frenzy too.

Teaching Dimples that Dad and Mom are in charge, and she is not, is a painful lesson for a little girl who has been trying to maintain control over her world in order to feel safe. This is a problem for children who have experienced trauma and in Dimples' case this translates into hypervigilance and a sort of frenetic intensity. Even though it is no fun to go to bed early, it is helping her learn that we are in charge and she has the ability to master her emotions and behavior.

She feels great when she makes it through a day without a single Consequence card. Last week I was cooking dinner when Dimples came into the kitchen, pulled me close and said, "I don't have to go to bed early tonight." She had a smile of confidence and happiness.

I am so proud of her and amazed at the dramatic progress she is making.

~Lisa

My Learning Curve: Happy Five Minute Cards

Here is a little tip that has been hugely successful with Dimples: Five Minute cards.

Due to past trauma, hunger is a big issue for her and triggers all kinds of struggles. Consequently, on the recommendation of our trauma/attachment therapist, Dimples must eat every two hours. Unfortunately, she is also a very picky eater and is not fond of many easy snack and lunch foods. A ridiculous amount of time has been spent each day talking about what she will or will not eat for snacks. It is important for Dimples to learn that she cannot take so much of my time for such a small issue.

My first step in tackling this was making a list of suggested snacks that I hung on the refrigerator. I plan the meals that we eat, but each morning Dimples must choose the snacks she will eat at 10:00, 2:00, and 4:00. She is supposed to write these down (we haven't quite gotten to this), and then when I tell her it is time for a snack, she eats what she planned. There is no discussion, and ideally, I do not need to be involved, unless she needs me to cut something for her.

When she successfully accomplishes this, she receives a Happy Five Minute Card. These cards can be used for five minutes of time on the computer, playing with the Wii, or having one-on-one time with me or Russ. Russ and I choose when the cards can be redeemed. Thus far she has not wanted to "spend" her cards and is hoarding them....an interesting issue on its own.

She has responded very well to this plan and happily eats her snacks without much fuss. Some days she only earns one card, and on a rare day, she earns three. Thus far she has accumulated 40 min. worth of Happy Cards.

We also have Five Minute cards that are not quite so happy. They are Early to Bed cards, which I will write about next time.

Have a wonderful Fourth of July!

~Lisa

Our Free "Playhouse"

I'm still catching my breath after another trip to Seattle. Being gone two days a week makes it hard to catch up on life, but I am so grateful for the help we are receiving for Dimples. We are already seeing progress and a more peaceful, happy girl. Hopefully I'll have time to write about the things we are learning soon, and in the meantime I have to show you something I am excited about.



I have been thinking about how to make the summer fun, give everyone plenty to do, and give the kids more play spaces. It occurred to me that if we had an extra tent, we could set it up for the summer and use it as a playhouse. Buying a new tent wasn't in the budget, so I put a request for a used tent on our church email list and quickly got a response from a friend who gave us a tent for free! We set it up in a little grove of trees and the girls have been busy making it their own.

Russ suggested we get a carpet remnant to make the floor more comfortable, so he took the girls to a local carpet shop. When the man found out that the remnant was for the girls' playhouse/tent, he gave it to them for free. Then they hauled our old plastic kitchen (that belonged to my niece who is now nearly 16) and a bin of plastic food out to the tent. They have been spending "Quiet Hour" in their tent, reading and playing games.

So far so good! I think this idea will be a summer hit. A special thank you to the Callihans for the awesome tent!







~Lisa

A Little Happy Post

I have been writing about so many heavy things that it is time to assure everyone that life really is moving along. Sweet Pea got home today from a 3 1/2 week trip to Europe. She had an amazing time and brought home lots of good chocolate. Mimi is starting a housesitting job tonight. Noah had his wisdom teeth pulled on Friday and is recovering quickly. Earlier today he was eating hummus on pancakes and tonight he tried a little bit of pizza. Samuel worked all morning at his new job at McDonalds and is helping me with the kids this evening. Rusty spent the past week at Boy Scout camp and Russ was able to join the troop for a few days. Today they left on a road trip, along with Ladybug, for an awards banquet where Rusty will be receiving an award for placing fourth in the nation in a VFW essay contest.

Honeybee braided Dimples' hair for me tonight, something I only learned she could do last week! I am so excited. Honeybee, Dimples, and Boo all signed up for the library reading program today. Eby and Little Man have had an all round good day.

Tomorrow Dimples and I will head to Seattle for an appointment on Monday morning. The weekend is full to overflowing, but good too.

I hope your weekends are going well. I know I have had some questions in my comments lately and I will try to get to them next week.

Thank you for stopping by.

~Lisa

My Learning Curve: Humility

Signe and I were talking yesterday about the advice we would offer to a family adopting older children. There were a few themes we kept coming back to as we stood in my kitchen, one of which I will share today. Just pretend that you were standing with us as our kids played together in the backyard. You could even imagine that we were all sipping lemonade, although that didn't quite happen.

I would encourage a friend who is adopting to give up your pride and your desire to compare. I thought I was a fairly humble person, but adopting my children has dropped me to my knees when it comes to thinking highly of myself and my capabilities as a mother. Sweet Pea was a hard baby and a challenging toddler, but once I got on the Christian Mommy Discipline Train, she shaped up pretty well. That doesn't mean I never had a child throw a tantrum in public, and I won't mention the time that four year-old Noah pulled the fire alarm at church and the congregation had to evacuate the building. Those were embarrassing moments, but this, this kind of parenting brings a different sort of humility.

In 22 years of being a mother, I have never been so stumped or so completely empty of wisdom at times. I have never read so many books, searched so many sites, or called so many experts in search of help. I had never taken my child to a therapist or felt that I might soon need one myself. I have never had to call my husband home from work because a child is so distressed that I can't keep everyone safe - and not just once, but multiple times. I have never had to seek out alternatives to homeschooling, (something I held dear to my heart) because it just wasn't working. I had never thought about the acronyms IEP, RAD, PTSD. I had never sent an email to my friends telling them I didn't think I could manage the summer on my own, and would they be willing to help.

I also didn't know the joy of watching a child fall in love with me. I didn't know the beauty of holding a child in my arms and fiercely loving her even though I had only met her weeks before. I didn't know the agony of waiting for a child who was 8,000 miles away, or seeing her turn her face to me for the first time and come into my arms. I didn't know the hope I would feel when I saw sad and tender tears on my child's face for the first time, after months of angry tears. I didn't know how incredible it would feel to hear my child say, "I love you Mommy. You are the best Mom," when I knew this was a true revelation to her.

If you want to adopt older children, be ready to lay down your pride and abandon yourself to love. It will be different than you think; better in some ways and much harder in others. Find a few people you can trust, friends you can call at any hour, who will understand and love your children even when they seem unloveable. Don't pressure your child to become like your other children who have been raised with loving guidance and discipline since birth. Do not, under any circumstances, compare your newly adopted child with your other children or with your friends' children. You will live to regret it. Give your children time to heal. Healing may take a great deal of your time, energy, and finances...but give it all away for your child's sake.

Eby's vacation Bible school verse today was:

He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you? But to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8

Amen.

Humbly,

~Lisa

My Learning Curve: "Got it?"

Here is my quick tip of the day. As I watched the therapist work with Dimples, I noticed that when she gave an instruction, she would look in Dimples eyes and say, "Got it?"

In contrast, I often say, "Do you understand?" or "Do you hear what I am saying?", or "Show me that you understand me." I expect my children to look at me and answer, "Yes Mom", which they do pretty well, and I still expect that, but I like this short question.

This reminds me of what Dr. Karyn Purvis says about using few words when correcting children. I am sure that I often overload my children with words, and these two words seem to have quick impact.

Give it a try. Got it?

~Lisa

My Learning Curve: "I Have Enough"

"I Have Enough", that is one of the things we practice saying each day. It helps to add a few deep breaths for ultimate calming impact. Last night as food was being passed around the table, Dimples became very concerned that we might run out of something she wanted. We all knew what she wanted because she was giving a constant commentary on the amount left in the bowl as it was passed. Russ reminded her to breathe and say, "I have enough". At first she said, "No, I don't have enough and we are going to run out of food!", but then she calmed herself and said, "I have enough". I am so proud of her!

Hoping and Believing,

~Lisa

My Learning Curve: The Loves Fall Out

As the family cleared the table last night, Dimples began drawing a picture similar to one her therapist had drawn. She talked about the ways her heart was broken. Then she drew many small hearts spilling out of the broken heart. Her therapist had explained that when a child's heart is broken, her mommy and daddy can try to fill it up with loves, but the loves keep falling out and the child never feels that she has enough. Once a child's heart is healed, the loves can fill her whole heart.

Dimples continued to spontaneously work, pausing to ask for help with spelling, and then writing some more. When she was done, she decided to color the heart and then tucked it in a folder to share with her therapist.

Dimples gave me permission to write about the work she did last night and share a photo of her wonderful drawing. You can click on the photo to see it better. The title alone brings tears to my eyes.



Hoping and Believing,

~Lisa